Monday, November 2, 2009

~Chapter 5~ you're not a judge but if you're going to judge me sentence me to another life

I opened the door to let him in, smiling as he hugged me before automatically sitting down in his usual seat to chat whilst I finished making diner. These days he came over for meals often. At least twice a week.

‘Lasagne okay?’ I asked, hardly able to tear my eyes away from him for a second.

He smiles, tilting his head slightly to the right, ‘Anything you make will taste great.’

My eyes stayed glued to him as I finished preparing dinner, sliding it into the oven a mere ten minutes later. ‘So…’ I washed my hands and sat across from him. ‘How’s life?’

‘Well, you know… It’s good.’

‘So descriptive.’

He laughed a soft easy laugh and ran his hands through his hair. It was longer now, I noticed. He stood to get a bottle of Solo from the fridge and I realised he was taller, yet again. His sheer perfection almost made me want to shoot myself. Why was I watching him so closely? Why did I want to ask about any recent dates he’d been on? He’d never want me anyway… I glanced down, smoothing my skirt and brushing a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

‘Well, nothing has really happened since I last saw you.’ He passed me a glass of the cool, bubbling liquid. ‘I slept, I ate, I worked, I played video games. Life is good. Boring, but good. Movie?’ He held up a disk. It was a new romantic comedy that he knew I’d wanted to see about a journalist who had to date a guy and do everything in her power to make him break up with her in ten days, meanwhile he was a part of a bet that he could get her to fall for him in ten days.

I bent down to turn the oven timer on. ‘Sure.’ I was happy enough to watch the movie; after all I knew it would be one that I would enjoy. It just... confused me. It was hardly Aiden’s type of movie. Not that I really cared. It had been ages since I’d seen a good chick flick.

I put the disk in and sat on the couch. He sat at the other end, and we watched the movie in silence. The oven timer went off about halfway through and we stopped to eat dinner.


The girl was almost eight. She wore her chocolate brown hair pulled into tight pigtails and tied with sparkly pink ribbon that she loved because of the way it glittered in the light, shining crystals of colour onto the ceiling. She was bent over her bed, stuffing things into a pink back pack, her pigtails swinging as she constantly looked over her shoulder to make sure there was no one behind her.

Once the back pack was full she grabbed her teddy bear – a much loved bear with only one ear and almost no remaining fur – and went to the window. She crept out onto the sill, looking at the ground below and remembering the last time she’d done this. With him. Before they all left. But this time, she had no one waiting to catch her.


As I pressed play and restarted the movie, I stretched my feet out, trying to reach the table. ‘Too. Far…’

He reached out and pulled my legs towards him until they rested on his lap. I smiled and turned my face back towards the movie, trying to pretend that my heart hadn’t sped up to at least twice its normal speed. It suddenly felt like there was a whole new energy in the room, all of my senses were tingling and I was suddenly hyperaware of every movement he made, of his hands gently rubbing my knee. As hard as I tried to keep my eyes on the movie they kept sliding back to him, watching as his eyes flicked back to the television, neither of us wanting to be caught looking. His fingertips slid up my thigh as he reached out for my hand.

‘Aiden…’ The credits rolled down the screen. ‘What exactly is this…?’ I squeezed his hand.

‘Well… I was kind of wondering if you might like to have dinner some time…’

‘We had dinner tonight.’

‘Yes. We did. And it was delicious by the way… But I’m sick of going on dead end dates that I know will never work out.’

This confused me a little bit, so I asked the obvious question, ‘Why won’t they work out?’

He smiled at me, a hint of sadness in his eyes, ‘Because there’s only one girl who I truly want. Because someone else already has my heart.’

‘Oh…’ I dropped my eyes, fiddling with the edge of my skirt.

He squeezed my hand, ‘You, silly.’

‘Me?’ I tried not to get my hopes up too high, the knowledge that the higher I was, the further I had to fall, weighing heavily on my mind.

‘From the first time I saw you, I liked you. I looked for ways to be around you. Even if I never spoke to you, I just wanted to be near you. And then I got to know you...’ He stood, pacing back and forth a little before going to the window and watching the rain that had started to pour down outside. He turned to face me, his liquid chocolate eyes melting me to the core. ‘And I realised that it wasn’t just a silly little crush. It wasn’t going to go away. But I didn’t know how you felt, and so I tried to keep my life normal. You know, keep dating and everything. But every time, I failed. I spent the entire date wishing I was with you instead.’

I pulled my knees to my chest, laying my head on top of them and watching him carefully as he paced back and forth in front of me. I couldn’t grasp it. He liked me? No. Surely not. Oh, but I wanted him to…

‘When I was dating all of these other girls, it made me realise that all I needed, all I wanted was you. And as soon as I realised this, I understood the pang of jealousy I got every time you had a good time on a date. But you always stopped dating them. And then I realised that neither of us had really dated seriously, maybe because we are truly meant to be together. Because I need you. And because somewhere, deep down, you need me too. I guess what I’m trying to ask is whether you feel the same way.’

He watched me for a moment, before turning away, back to the rain outside. He told me later that he couldn’t bear to watch me reject him. As if I could. The thing he didn’t realise was at this point was that I was in so deep with him that there was no way I could ever find anything as strong as what I had with him again. And here he was offering me something stronger. I don’t think he realised that there was no way I could ever turn him down.

‘I do…’ I whispered.

He turned to face me, the smile on his face contagious, spilling over to mine. ‘Come here.’

He held his arms out and I dove into them, not wanting to let go.


She’d been on her own for almost an hour before anyone caught up to her. The found her hiding in a bush at the local park. The man she didn’t like grabbed her roughly by the shoulder.

‘Get up,’ he growled, tugging her to her feet. ‘You’re going to be punished for this you stupid child.’

He pulled her all the way back to the house. The pretty woman wasn’t home yet. No one was home yet. The girl shrieked and tried to run but the man pulled her back, forcing her down. And this time, she didn’t pretend not to be affected. He hurt her and she cried out, a loud wail that she knew might alert people to what was going on.

‘Shut up, you little slut!’ he hissed, finishing up before pushing her away.

As soon as he let go, the girl ran away. She locked herself in the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror for a moment, before turning away, repulsed by even the sight of herself. Even at such a young age she knew that what had happened was bad. Even at such a young age she felt dirty. She stood under the steaming water of the shower until her skin was red, until she had grown used to the marks that now covered her.

Monday, October 12, 2009

~Chapter 4~ cos you remind me of a time when we were so alive

Ahh, lovely school computers. First and only time you will ever hear me say that. it let me paste into blogger!! yay. i suppose i will be uploading from school from now on.

Calm down, deep breaths. It’s all going to be okay. Everything will be alright. Everything will be alright.

I had woken with a start, shivering, breathing incredibly shallowly. It wasn’t long before I remembered why I’d woken, and once those memories had returned to my mind, I had no hope of returning to sleep. Everything that I had worked so hard to forget had suddenly returned to my mind. Every memory that I’d done my best to compress, to store away in a forbidden part of my mind… It all came rushing back. I slid to the ground, pulled my knees to my chest and turned myself into the smallest ball I could possibly manage on the floor.

I will not cry...

I brushed away the tears, tumbling down my cheeks and pressed my thumb and forefinger into my eyes and bit down hard on my fist to quiet my sobs.

I will not cry. It is over now. It’s not worth it...

Tasting the blood in my mouth I let my fist drop to my side, and sat up, leaning against my bed.

Just give up. You can’t do anything anyway. Just give up and calm the fuck down. It’s over. It’s over. Besides... That wasn’t the worst time.

I shuddered just thinking about remembering. Remembering was something I just couldn’t bring myself to do. Not yet. I’d been out of there for a while, a year or so by now, and yet whenever the memories entered my mind I fell to pieces. I did everything in my power to keep myself from remembering.

With a sigh, I turned on my computer, making myself another coffee. It wasn’t like I was going to sleep anymore. Trust me, I didn’t. In those days, sleep was not something that came easily to me, and when it did come there were times that I was not altogether thankful for it. You can’t control your dreams. Or nightmares as it may be.


It was a dark night; so cold that one would immediately assume it was the middle of winter. A girl of about six or seven years old was curled up on a small bed with a fluffy pink quilt. In her arms she clung to a small scruffy teddy bear. She looked as though she was asleep, but if you watched her for long enough you might see the occasional movement; a readjustment of a leg, a tiny movement of her arm, her eyes flicker open and glance nervously around. The door opened a crack, a shot of bright light making the room brighter for a second, before the door was closed again. The girl was yanked onto her back, her bear falling to the ground. Her eyes stayed closed, trying to look as though she was still asleep.

Maybe this way, she thought, it won’t hurt as much.

But she was wrong. She was very wrong.


Over the next few weeks I went to school, I came home and studied, and I went to work. Aside from an occasional study break in the middle of lunch, my social life was pretty much nonexistent. Not that I really went out all that much to begin with. My friends and I started planning what we’d do after exams were over. Suggestions of clubbing, and schoolies week. Until I pointed out that by the end of this, we’d all just want to sleep for weeks.

Final assignments came and went, study nights passed, countless nights’ sleep were lost, last minute cramming became a must, exams went by, and the next thing we knew, we were free.

Before I knew what had hit me, I was in the real world. Of course, I’d lived by myself for more than a year, and there had been many a time before that when there had been the need to fend for myself, but this was the first time that I really had control over my life. By this stage, Aiden and I had become best friends. We went out for coffee once a week and he would often just show up at my door. We could sit for hours, and chat. About anything and everything. Everything except my past.

‘So,’ he picked up his hot chocolate, cupping it between his hands, soaking up the warmth. ‘You haven’t told me how that date went the other night.’

I sighed. I didn’t want to do the whole dating thing. Dating requires letting people in. And I was never any good at that. ‘Fine, Aiden.’

He rose his eyes. ‘That bad huh?’

‘Why do you guys insist on knowing every detail of a girl’s life? If I didn’t offer details, isn’t it obvious I don’t want to talk about it...?’

‘Sorry, I didn’t realise you were going to be quite so sensitive, Brooke. You just normally tell me... That’s all.’

‘Huh?’ I looked up, confused.

‘Weren’t you just telling me off for asking for details.....?’

I cracked up laughing. ‘You’re fine, Aiden. I meant this guy. He couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to spill all the intimate details of my life and my past with him. I mean, god, you don’t just spill your most intimate secrets to a complete stranger.’

‘You know, you haven’t ever told me any of this. I mean, why do you live alone? Have you no family at all?’

I took a deep breath. Have I no family at all?


The screaming three year old asked after her brother at every opportunity.

‘Where is he?’ She would ask. ‘When is he coming back?’

She carried a back pack, pink to match her dress and the ribbons in her hair. The stuffed Dorothy the dinosaur in her arms smiled out at the people around her as the girl span in circles; her pigtails flying as she desperately searched.

The women standing beside her was tall and pretty, her elegant features were emphasised by the barely noticeable traces of makeup on her skin and the skin tight fit of her expensive clothing. An infectious smile was spread across her face, but upon closer inspection her eyes looked sad. The woman leant down and smoothed the child’s dress, adjusting her pigtails.

‘Where is he? You said he would be heeeere.’ The child whined.

The woman leant over and kissed the child gently on the forehead. She pointed over to the group of children milling nearby. ‘Maybe he is over there. You can go and have a look if you like. Hey,’ she caught the girl’s hand as the girl started to run to the other children. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you.’ The girl ran over to the group of children as the woman stood, watching her. As the girl’s pink dress and backpack disappeared from sight, the woman turned and began to walk away.

‘Are you sure about this?’ another woman asked, stepping from the shadows where she had been watching.

The woman nodded, her chocolate brown hair, exactly the same shade as her daughter’s, flipping around on her head. She turned on her heel and walked away, wiping a tear from her cheek. She had never mentioned the accident, never explained her reasons, never told the girl that she could search forever and the closest she would come to her brother was a gravestone. She walked from the building without another word, not even leaving a name. The child didn’t need to know. One day she wouldn’t even remember. Or that is what the woman convinced herself anyway.


‘No,’ I replied. ‘I have no family at all.’

Sunday, October 11, 2009

sooo... blogger hates me and for some stupid reason wont let me paste. if i can i will update this story next time i am on a different computer. if not and you wish to continue reading, the story is titled Secrets and Lies. you can find it at please continue reading :)

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

~Chapter 3~ i confess that i can be a little selfish

I had spent that entire night doing homework, studying until no other thoughts could fill my mind. Three assignments later, my legs were numb and I was starving. I opened the fridge, but I didn’t really feel like the leftover lasagne from the night before. I glanced at the clock and sighed. Nine o’clock. I should have eaten hours ago, but I didn’t really feel like dinner.

My phone vibrated on the couch and I reached down to grab it.


I sighed. She always had such crazy shit going on in her life. Harper was a weird one. She’d been my best friend since we were little, and she still is these days. But her life was always insane.

NOT BUSY AT ALL, WAS JUST MAKING SOME BROWNIES. COME OVER WHENEVER :D’ I replied, getting out the ingredients necessary for brownies. It didn’t take me long to prepare. After all, brownies are my speciality. They were in the oven within five minutes.

While I waited for them to cook, I made sure that my trackies looked okay, that my chocolate brown hair was still neat, and reapplied my eyeliner. I sighed, looking at my appearance in the mirror. I couldn’t be as obsessive as I normally was tonight. This would just have to do.

The doorbell rang just as I was taking the brownies out of the oven, and Harper walked in, a whirlwind as always.

‘So,’ she said, striking a pose, ‘What do you think?’

To be honest, at the time, I couldn’t think of anything that was different. Maybe the hair? ‘Nice haircut.’

She looked up, startled, ‘Well… Thank you, but that totally wasn’t what I was referring to.’

She brushed her peroxide blonde fringe from her eyes as she spoke. And that was when I noticed it. The ring. Five tiny diamonds encased in white gold. I stared.

Nice ring.’ I tried again.

About time you noticed. Guess what!’ She grabbed a brownie from the plate and flopped down on my couch, pushing my laptop up onto the windowsill.

I couldn’t even reply. I sat staring at her ring, realising that it was on her fourth finger, on her left hand.

‘I’m ENGAGED!’ she cried, clearly exasperated that I hadn’t asked yet.

‘Tyler proposed? But it’s so close to the end of the year. Shouldn’t you guys think about this more after your exams?’ My common sense had returned.

Harper just rolled eyes at me, ‘You aren’t happy.’

I am happy for you. It’s just that I think you shouldn’t be getting too distracted this time of year.’ I walked over to her and gave her the most enormous hug I could. ‘Of course I’m happy for you.’

‘I know you are,’
she said with a smile. ‘Anyway, there was another reason this couldn’t wait until tomorrow. I wanted to ask you if you would be my bridesmaid.’

An immediate, involuntary shudder went down my spine at the word. Bridesmaid. ‘Bridesmaid?’
Harper laughed, ‘Of course. Who else would I want?’

I hugged her again. ‘Of course I will. I’m so honoured you asked me.’

Long after she left I sat on the couch, staring out the window, into the darkness of that cold, stormy night. Bridesmaid?


The girl could have been no more than thirteen years old. She stood at the front of the old chapel, in a soft yellow dress that fell to her knees. In her hands she held a beautiful bouquet of white lilies and tiny white flowers. Her flowing chocolate coloured hair fell half way down her back, and was curled in neat ringlets. She was a pretty girl, quite short for her age but subtly beautiful. Her smile was emphasised by the subtle make up she wore, but it didn’t reach her pale grey eyes. Eyes that showed nothing but pain and fear. She smiled a little wider as the bride came down the aisle, blushing in her pure white wedding dress. The girl avoided looking at the rows of chairs, at the people gathered around for this ‘happy’ occasion. She avoided the eyes that she knew were watching her.

~Chapter 2 ~ i don't want to die, but i'm not keen on living either

In the remaining two weeks of the term we spent a lot of time together. He began spending lunchtimes with my friends in the library. In fact, after that first day, I rarely heard him mention his old friends at all.

'What's for lunch?' a familiar voice asked from behind me. I grabbed a bottle of lemonade. 'Not hungry...?'

I glanced at him, shaking my head before I handed the cafeteria lady my money.

'Thanks love,' she said in her British accent, dropping the coins into the till and charging him for his burger.

I walked outside and sat against a wall on the other side of the courtyard, closing my eyes, and letting the warm spring sun heat my eyelids. It was five or six minutes before I heard the footsteps approach, before someone's shadow blocked out my sunlight. I was careful not to move, not to open my eyes, not to make a sound. I didn’t want to know who was there, I didn’t want to care. I didn’t want to talk. I reached down, feeling for my bottle of lemonade and felt a hand grab mine. I jerked my hand away, my eyes open – suddenly alert.

Sorry,’ he said, his hand falling back into his lap.

‘Oh. It’s you. Uh… Hi?’ I took my bottle of lemonade, blushing at having been so stupid. I wanted him to take my hand again. This time, I wouldn’t let go.

So…’ he said, glancing at me, waiting until I turned a little more towards him before he spoke again. ‘Why aren’t we eating?’

I shrugged, ‘Don’t feel well.’

‘Hmm… I see.’
He took a bite of his burger, turning to face me, closer than before. ‘And why are we outside?’

I closed my eyes again, letting the warm sun heat my eyelids, ‘Dying of lack of vitamin D…?’

He laughed, a soft musical laugh. ‘Study break?’ He guessed.

I sighed. ‘Something like that.’

We spent that lunch time together, outside, soaking up the sun, soaking up each other. We both learnt as much as we could about the other. I learnt that his father was dead, that he had three sisters and that he loved spiders. He learnt that I lived alone, that I didn’t know my family, and that I hated spiders.

I still remember that afternoon, even now, after everything that has happened. I remember every word we spoke, every secret shared. I remember the abnormal sense of ease. I remember feeling no fear, even though he now knew more about me than anyone; despite the fact that he hardly knew anything. That there was no way he could know everything.

I remember the warmth of his hand as he took mine to help me stand. And I remember the way he didn’t let go until the teacher walked through the door of our next class. I remember how grateful I was that I had already finished the chapter my class was working on, grateful that I didn’t need to pay a shred of attention. I remember the way my mind span, full of everything he had said, full of everything I had told him, full of questions and very few answers.


The sand was warm, though the day before had been cold. A small girl, of about two or three years old played quietly in the shallow water with her older brother. They splashed water at one another, running and emitting tiny squeals of delight. The boy pushed his sister’s deep brown hair out of her face, splashing water on her arms. She ran at him, attaching herself to him as they both dunked under the water…


I remember that afternoon, walking home in the rain, during a thunderstorm that had come out of nowhere. One minute the sky had been the most brilliant blue, and the next it was bucketing down. I had pulled my hood over my head, tucked my headphones into my ears and walked, trying not to look as startled as I felt when the enormous rumbles of thunder cracked above my head.

I hurried through my door, hung up my coat and went straight to the bathroom. The first thing I did was turn the water on as hot as it would go, before grabbing a change of clothes from my room.

The water was scalding hot, prickling my skin. The steam surrounded me, fogging the mirrors and the glass, filling the room, filling my mind so that I could concentrate on nothing but calming down, and relaxing every muscle in my body. When finally I was relaxed, I dressed and took my laptop and novel to the couch against the window in the lounge room. That couch was one of my favourite places in the entire house. It was new, and so soft. Besides, the view of the sky on a day like that was unlike any other. I still remember the countless nights I had spent curled up on the couch, reading, writing, watching a movie, doing homework… crying.

I remember the rain collecting in puddles outside my window, the trees bending in the wind, as though a giant had pushed them over, the lightning that crashed down in amazing pinks and yellows that contrasted so sharply with the deep grey sky. But mostly I remember the thunder, the constant crashing throughout the night.

This would be the perfect night, I thought to myself, as the thunder rolled again, the perfect night to kill myself.

As soon as that thought entered my mind, I did everything I could to brush it off, to change the path of my thoughts. But after all, what did I have to live for? What point was there in life when I had already lost everything? Why should I bother, when even the things I should have control over have been ripped from me?

I remember shivering violently. I wasn’t really thinking about this… Was I? Oh, but I was. I knew I was. After everything that had happened, it was probably surprising that I hadn’t seriously considered that before now. But I wouldn’t. I knew I wouldn’t. I couldn’t let myself down. I knew that I had to keep going, I had to finish high school, university, get a job, find someone. Make a life for myself.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

~Chapter 1~ cos i know that we won't forget anymore

We met when both of us were around seventeen years old. We had little in common but immediate liking for one another.

He was tall and smart and handsome. And for some reason, he felt the same instant connection with me that i felt for him.

At the time, I couldn't say much for my own beauty. Certainly it wasn't a very obvious feature I possessed. My movements were graceless, my hips a little too wide, my hair too flat and boring. I rarely found anything intellectually stimulating to add to conversation. And I certainly never spoke without making a fool of myself in some way or other. Lack of sleep marked my face with dark bruises beneath my eyes, which watered constantly as I yawned often. However he, he was the pure white clouds in my dark starless night.

The contrast between us was always strong. He was a warm summer day, while I was a cold winter night. He was as sweet as I was sour. We were like blood and water, oil and vinegar. He was as up as I was down.

We were constantly opposite, either fighting or in love. We were everything. We were nothing.

But he was everything to me.


We met in the spring of our senior year, on the day we both attended a study session run by the school's Psychology teacher. We had never had a class together before this year, and until now this day had never spoken, let alone looked at one another before.

However, this day changed all of that. He rushed in, late as always, as i sat at my desk arranging my books into perfect right angles with the desk edges, lining my pens up. Black. Blue. Red.

I looked up to see him glancing around for a familliar face. Clearly seeing noone he knew at any other tables, he spotted me sitting alone and before I knew it, he was sitting beside me.

'Brooke, right?' He dropped his bag to the ground, the most enormous smile spreading across his face. 'Aiden. Aiden Fontaine.'

'I know who you are.' I replied coldy, pushing a loose strand of hair behind my ear, rolling my eyes and wondering why on earth he was talking to me. Feeling colour fill my cheeks, I decided to try again. 'No groupies today I see.'

He was friends with the more beautiful people in the school. I suppose it's still that way today, the beautiful people seem to group together a lot.

He rose his eyebrows at me, grinning that ridiculous smile. 'What? You expect them to come to an optional extra study session?' He glanced at me and I just shrugged in reply. 'No, I don't think so.'

'Sorry that you're stuck with me instead.'

He smiled, the sweet smile that I have loved ever since. 'What is there to be sorry about exactly?'


Okay guys. Attention.' Our teacher clapped her hands and we both immediately turned to face the front. 'Partner up!'

He turned to me, holding out his hand. 'Partners?'

I watched him carefully before accepting his outstretched hand, one that I've hardly released since. 'Partners.'


Her eyes floated up from the papers to where he sat across the table, watching her with that sad, sympathetic smile. She looked away, avoiding his eyes.

She signed her name just once more and replaced the papers in manilla envelope. They both stood, smiling the awkward smile of people once close, who knew each others darkest secrets.

He held out his arms, and she moved into them, embracing him for just a moment, before moving away and collecting her belongings into her handbag.