Monday, October 12, 2009

~Chapter 4~ cos you remind me of a time when we were so alive

Ahh, lovely school computers. First and only time you will ever hear me say that. it let me paste into blogger!! yay. i suppose i will be uploading from school from now on.

Calm down, deep breaths. It’s all going to be okay. Everything will be alright. Everything will be alright.

I had woken with a start, shivering, breathing incredibly shallowly. It wasn’t long before I remembered why I’d woken, and once those memories had returned to my mind, I had no hope of returning to sleep. Everything that I had worked so hard to forget had suddenly returned to my mind. Every memory that I’d done my best to compress, to store away in a forbidden part of my mind… It all came rushing back. I slid to the ground, pulled my knees to my chest and turned myself into the smallest ball I could possibly manage on the floor.

I will not cry...

I brushed away the tears, tumbling down my cheeks and pressed my thumb and forefinger into my eyes and bit down hard on my fist to quiet my sobs.

I will not cry. It is over now. It’s not worth it...

Tasting the blood in my mouth I let my fist drop to my side, and sat up, leaning against my bed.

Just give up. You can’t do anything anyway. Just give up and calm the fuck down. It’s over. It’s over. Besides... That wasn’t the worst time.

I shuddered just thinking about remembering. Remembering was something I just couldn’t bring myself to do. Not yet. I’d been out of there for a while, a year or so by now, and yet whenever the memories entered my mind I fell to pieces. I did everything in my power to keep myself from remembering.

With a sigh, I turned on my computer, making myself another coffee. It wasn’t like I was going to sleep anymore. Trust me, I didn’t. In those days, sleep was not something that came easily to me, and when it did come there were times that I was not altogether thankful for it. You can’t control your dreams. Or nightmares as it may be.

***

It was a dark night; so cold that one would immediately assume it was the middle of winter. A girl of about six or seven years old was curled up on a small bed with a fluffy pink quilt. In her arms she clung to a small scruffy teddy bear. She looked as though she was asleep, but if you watched her for long enough you might see the occasional movement; a readjustment of a leg, a tiny movement of her arm, her eyes flicker open and glance nervously around. The door opened a crack, a shot of bright light making the room brighter for a second, before the door was closed again. The girl was yanked onto her back, her bear falling to the ground. Her eyes stayed closed, trying to look as though she was still asleep.

Maybe this way, she thought, it won’t hurt as much.

But she was wrong. She was very wrong.

***

Over the next few weeks I went to school, I came home and studied, and I went to work. Aside from an occasional study break in the middle of lunch, my social life was pretty much nonexistent. Not that I really went out all that much to begin with. My friends and I started planning what we’d do after exams were over. Suggestions of clubbing, and schoolies week. Until I pointed out that by the end of this, we’d all just want to sleep for weeks.

Final assignments came and went, study nights passed, countless nights’ sleep were lost, last minute cramming became a must, exams went by, and the next thing we knew, we were free.

Before I knew what had hit me, I was in the real world. Of course, I’d lived by myself for more than a year, and there had been many a time before that when there had been the need to fend for myself, but this was the first time that I really had control over my life. By this stage, Aiden and I had become best friends. We went out for coffee once a week and he would often just show up at my door. We could sit for hours, and chat. About anything and everything. Everything except my past.

‘So,’ he picked up his hot chocolate, cupping it between his hands, soaking up the warmth. ‘You haven’t told me how that date went the other night.’

I sighed. I didn’t want to do the whole dating thing. Dating requires letting people in. And I was never any good at that. ‘Fine, Aiden.’

He rose his eyes. ‘That bad huh?’

‘Why do you guys insist on knowing every detail of a girl’s life? If I didn’t offer details, isn’t it obvious I don’t want to talk about it...?’

‘Sorry, I didn’t realise you were going to be quite so sensitive, Brooke. You just normally tell me... That’s all.’

‘Huh?’ I looked up, confused.

‘Weren’t you just telling me off for asking for details.....?’

I cracked up laughing. ‘You’re fine, Aiden. I meant this guy. He couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to spill all the intimate details of my life and my past with him. I mean, god, you don’t just spill your most intimate secrets to a complete stranger.’

‘You know, you haven’t ever told me any of this. I mean, why do you live alone? Have you no family at all?’

I took a deep breath. Have I no family at all?

***

The screaming three year old asked after her brother at every opportunity.

‘Where is he?’ She would ask. ‘When is he coming back?’

She carried a back pack, pink to match her dress and the ribbons in her hair. The stuffed Dorothy the dinosaur in her arms smiled out at the people around her as the girl span in circles; her pigtails flying as she desperately searched.

The women standing beside her was tall and pretty, her elegant features were emphasised by the barely noticeable traces of makeup on her skin and the skin tight fit of her expensive clothing. An infectious smile was spread across her face, but upon closer inspection her eyes looked sad. The woman leant down and smoothed the child’s dress, adjusting her pigtails.

‘Where is he? You said he would be heeeere.’ The child whined.

The woman leant over and kissed the child gently on the forehead. She pointed over to the group of children milling nearby. ‘Maybe he is over there. You can go and have a look if you like. Hey,’ she caught the girl’s hand as the girl started to run to the other children. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you.’ The girl ran over to the group of children as the woman stood, watching her. As the girl’s pink dress and backpack disappeared from sight, the woman turned and began to walk away.

‘Are you sure about this?’ another woman asked, stepping from the shadows where she had been watching.

The woman nodded, her chocolate brown hair, exactly the same shade as her daughter’s, flipping around on her head. She turned on her heel and walked away, wiping a tear from her cheek. She had never mentioned the accident, never explained her reasons, never told the girl that she could search forever and the closest she would come to her brother was a gravestone. She walked from the building without another word, not even leaving a name. The child didn’t need to know. One day she wouldn’t even remember. Or that is what the woman convinced herself anyway.


***

‘No,’ I replied. ‘I have no family at all.’

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